I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
You Might Also Like
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
it be like that
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?