Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
men, we mow at sunrise.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
#math
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep