I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.