[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.