[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
This is a bad sign
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud