I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward