billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.