Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.