[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Wake me when AI does housework
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*