Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.