[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
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HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.