Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
drew a comic about my origin story
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Death certificates are our last participation award.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.