It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Every haunted house movie:
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Cheer up.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.