“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings