I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
and now we wait
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…