Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
#dalle2
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?