Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.