I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it