it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I’ve been drinking.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*