me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.