Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I feel it
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.