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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Cat is stressing him out.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds