Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Fights fire with marshmallows
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn