I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”