Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones