The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.