A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Real House Wines.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Please do it!
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.