Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
knights of the ikea table
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.