Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
OH. COME. ON.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”