law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me irl
need him
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Europe. Made in Germany.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?