Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
You Might Also Like
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.