sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You Might Also Like
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
That’s what I call a flat tire
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer