Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
some Old Testament wisdom
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁