I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
i prefer mine room temperature.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD