Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I have never related to a cat more
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses