ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.