No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Perfection.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Bed should get ready for ME
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.