Wise advice
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*