I like long walks away from everyone
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[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
listen closely
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.