My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
You Might Also Like
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Made something I’m not proud of
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.