“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Does beer think about me too?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again