don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
🏙👨🏼
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains