Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Running from your problems is cardio .
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?