priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum