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When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.