Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.