I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Don’t snitch tag.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.