there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
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judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
adam and eve had first world problems
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
At least my masseuse has my back.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.