Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you