I’ve watched this 17,467 times
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
sounds kinky. i’m in.
What?!?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
why no one uses midhusbands
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?